A Resolution, Of Sorts…

My problem with writing? I’m not doing it.

After my last post I ran to my computer files and started to write. The inspiration was there, little foreign fingers digging into my brain, clawing their way sown synapses, off my finger, and onto the page. Only somewhere along the way, the journey went wrong. My brain seized, with no idea what came next. My fingers faltered, and the words that poured forth onto the page were the scribblings of a nine year old child. I don’t mean that I felt my writing was trite, bad, underinspired, or that I was frustrated with the trouble I was having, though all of this is true; I mean I literally wrote better when I was nine years old.

This is not writer’s block. I have suffered writer’s block in the past, sometimes for long stretches, and this feel nothing like that. It’s more like a form of giving up, on myself, on life, on everything. I have good reason to, it’s been a hard year, one where I have worried more often and more legitimately about keeping food in my belly and a roof over my head than I have in many, many years, perhaps ever. Things have never physically been this bad before, and I have been in some Very, Very Bad Places ™.

And the constant, constant, constant rejections and the seemingly deliberate attempts to slaughter my self esteem by the one company who did hire me have about ended me. I find my day to day struggles are very basic anymore–getting out of bed before noon is a triumph, and getting to sleep before dawn is a miracle achieved only through use of drugs. I never thought motivating myself to get dressed would be a Thing, but it is. Call it depression if you want; I call it just not seeing the point.

I suppose it’s no shock that, mentally crippled as I am, that disability has affected everything, even my one sanity release that costs me nothing but time. And gods know on sleepless nights, Time is a commodity I have to spare.

So, I’m going to try something. Maybe it’ll help and maybe it won’t, and maybe I’ll finish and maybe I won’t, but it’s worth a try. I am going to undergo the 30 day blog challenge. I’m going to write bits and spurts of nonessential data about myself just for practice. Just to get back in the groove. Just to see where it takes me.

One caveat–I hate pictures. I will fudge every demand for photos. You, my readership of three-or-less, will deal. However, I will promise to make what I do give in photos worth your while. You’re welcome.

Sharp-eyed folks may notice the time stamps getting a little fudged, but the posting on the right days. I make no apologies. If I get a job interview, have to take a cross-country flight (which I do soon), or simply have a nervous breakdown, I will be in no position or possibly frame of mind to post. I’ll make it up.

I hope.

I haven’t much faith in anything recently, so asking me to have faith in me is a little much. I will do this without faith, and see where it gets me. Hopefully writing better than the ghost of my nine year old self. That’s all I really ask for.

For those who want to know, this is how 30 Days of Me will go:

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends.
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why.
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why.
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days.
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends.
Day 12- How you found out about blogging and why you made one.
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 14- A picture of you and your family.
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.
Day 16- Another picture of yourself.
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them.
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23- Something you crave a lot.
Day 24- A letter to your parents.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag.
Day 26- What you think about your friends.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge.
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- Your favorite song.
Day 30- In this past month, what have you learned