*sigh* Seriously? Because, you guys can't handle the truth. Promise. But here it is in all it's squicky glory anyway.
The single biggest impact on my life is what you see right here.
Yes, I have tons of positive impacts. Every friend individually changed my life in amazing and healing ways. I had some teachers reach out to catch me when I fell. I had strangers help me in time of need. I have new people that, even today, are shaping my life for the better. I count them as my blessings and my guardian angels, and I know where I'd be without any one of them. There are not words for how grateful I am. But every one of them was only part of my path to recovery.
It takes a village to heal.
To destroy, it only takes one man.
Maybe it's because he got to me first, I don't know. But I do know that I have struggled endlessly to overcome, to undo what he did; I struggle even now, twenty six years after the day my mother finally left him. Every healing hand has had to find and soothe the wounds left in me, every friendly smile has had to fight with my withered self esteem and lack of confidence, every tolerant soul has had to deal with my shoddy memory, temperamental nature, and uncertain time sense.
I am a walking, talking PTSD poster, and I have accepted long ago that I will never be "normal." I am a broken leg that healed wrong, a curved spine, a hand with missing fingers. Some things, once done, can never be completely erased, and that's where I am now; where I will always be.
Unfortunately for me, this really fits. If I had to think of one thing, one single thing that has touched every aspect of my life, changed the course of my future, and altered every day I have lived on this earth, this is that one thing. I am strong, I am no one's victim, and I have overcome so much, but it remains that I can never get back, never heal or earn, beg, borrow, or steal those things he stole from me. In some very fundamental ways, I will never get better. Despite my best efforts, his shadow is over my life still.
Fuck you, fuck you very much.
Maybe another blog post I'll go into detail, but I'm pretty up after the superhero post, and I don't want to come down. Not tonight.
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